8 Unhelpful Responses That Push Teens Away

There are 8 common responses given by well-meaning parents who are hoping to take their teen’s pain away. Unfortunately, we can’t take our teen’s pain away with words, but we CAN be with them in the midst of their pain and THAT may actually help to ease the pain.

Unhelpful Response Styles:

1. The Fixer

Fixers believe that we have the logical answers to our teen’s problems. We offer the obvious solutions and can’t understand why our teen gets frustrated with us.

“All you have to do is….”

Our beautiful, adult prefrontal cortex is quite brilliant, yes, but who is going to know more about the details, facts and nuances of the situation? Us? Or the teenager who was actually involved in the situation? Teenage conflicts and challenges can be quite complicated. We are likely offering advice to an oversimplified version of the situation which is why our solutions are met with frustration by our teen. We also may be giving advice to take actions that they don’t have the emotional resources for yet. Many teenagers are still struggling to build the self-confidence needed to assert healthy boundaries, for example. Empathize first. Empower their growth second by brainstorming with them, THEIR ideas about how THEY might choose handle it.*

2.The Extreme Fixer

Extreme fixers believe the fastest way to take care of our teen’s problem is to go straight to the source.

“I’ll call __________ right now and we’ll get this straightened out.”

To advocate for our child is human. To empower our teen to advocate for himself, is divine. Yes, calling the person with the most authority may be the quickest way to win this battle BUT our teen will lose the war. Our teen needs opportunities to practice problem solving. If we solve our teen’s problems for them, when they are out of the house, they will be at a loss for how to overcome life’s obstacles. To get good at anything, we must be challenged and practice if we want our skills to develop. Don’t take precious opportunities for practice away from your teen.*

3. The Teacher

Teachers believe we have learned so much in our years on this Earth and our child is finally old enough to understand the life lessons we’ve been waiting to teach them.

"I’ve learned that in these types of situations blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”

The cruel irony is that our child IS finally old enough to understand these life lessons, but they are also at the age where they want to learn them on their own and tune us out as soon as we launch into lesson time. I have had parents tell me they had a great heart-to-heart with their teen only to hear from the teen that they tuned out a minute into their parent’s monologue. Many teens have learned that the quickest way to get their parent to stop talking is to look like they’re listening. Talking AT our teen is probably the least effective method for influencing them.*

4. The Dismisser

Dismissers believe that we can convince our teen that they don’t need to feel bad, because we understand from our adult perspective that this is a small problem in the grand scheme of things.

“It’s not a big deal. You shouldn’t be this upset about it.”

The problem with this style is that our teen 1. doesn’t have a fully formed prefrontal cortex (the reasoning part of your brain) until they are 25 years old and 2. doesn’t have the same years of life experience that taught us not to sweat the small stuff. They don’t understand there is more to life past high school because they’ve never been there. To them, high school IS their society and entire life. To them, this IS a big deal.*

5. The Positive Thinker

Positive Thinkers believe that if we can convince them to focus on the positive, they won’t be upset anymore.

“Don’t feel bad, look at all the good things you have going for you. At least...”

There can be benefit to this approach, BUT definitely don’t lead with it and in some situations (i.e. the death of a loved one) don’t go there at all! Empathize with the negative feeling first before pointing out any positive aspect to the situation. Human beings need to grieve even small losses (not making the team, getting turned down for a dance, etc.) before they can accept the loss and see what great opportunities lay it its wake.*

6. The Protector

Protectors believe that the key to keeping our kid happy is to keep them away from anything that makes them unhappy.

“This is clearly causing you a lot of pain, I think you should stay away from ________.”

Friends, relationships, phones, internet, social media, pretty much anything that exists that has the power to create great joy, also has the power to create great sorrow. The answer is not to avoid everything. Negative feelings are a part of the human experience. Empathize, be with them in their negative emotions and show our teen that emotions aren’t scary monsters that we should fear and avoid at all costs. Show them that emotions come and go like waves by surfing the wave with them.*

7. The Investigator

Investigators believe that we can fix it if we just have all the facts.

“Who was involved? What were they doing? Does their mom know they do that?

There’s no way we can possibly gather all the facts, but that doesn’t seem to keep us from trying, does it? Our teen only provides us with one biased perspective of the facts, and that’s only if they don’t get super annoyed with us first. Teens hate to be pelted with questions. HATE IT…especially if our interrogation is just going to lead to fixing. Double ugh. Want some space from your teenage boy? Ask him a bunch of questions about the behaviors of his friends and see how fast he retreats to the refuge of his stinky room.*

8. The Guilter

Guilters believe that offering a little perspective will help open our teen’s eyes to how good they really have it.

"You shouldn’t feel that way. Look at all you have. Other people have it far worse.”

We have worked really hard to provide a comfortable life for our family and it befuddles us why our teen is still not happy despite all that we have provided. Our efforts indeed deserve to be appreciated, but a comfortable life doesn’t form a protective bubble against the internal and interpersonal struggles that teens experience at this point in their development. In essence, we are communicating that they are not allowed to have negative emotions because they have nice stuff. We only add guilt to the plethora of other negative emotions that our teen was already feeling with this strategy.*

So, if we can't fix it, or guilt them into feeling better, what is left for a parent to do?

May I introduce you to the simple, understated, yet incredibly difficult to do (when you enjoy giving advice as much as I do)...

9. The Empathizer

Empathizers believe that we can’t talk our teen our of their feelings, so instead of trying to pull them into our emotional experience of life, we join them in theirs.

“It sounds like this situation is really bothering you.”

We attempt to put ourselves in our teen’s shoes and imagine their experience from their vantage point. We put aside our sophisticated adult thinking-brain and we just sit with them and offer a listening ear. Ears don’t dispense advice or perspective, ears just listen. When we don’t fill the space, teens begin to talk more. Talking challenges the teen’s brain to form coherent sentences as they explain their situation, which helps to organize and make sense of what was previously just an overwhelming cloud of jumbled thoughts and feelings.*

*When to call for professional help.

It is normal for teens to experience a roller coaster of emotions. BUT if their emotions are so extreme that they are not meeting their daily obligations like going to school, or if it is causing significant distress to other members of the family, it is a good idea to seek consultation from a licensed therapist or school counselor.

If your teen has made vague or direct statements about their own death, it is important to ask them directly if they are seriously thinking about harming themselves. If they are, seek immediate assistance from a medical professional or call 911. Not sure how serious it is? You can call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and they can walk you through how to best to care for your teen at their level of suicidal thoughts.